Open Letter to my Baby

Dear Little One,

The internet is full of all these "open letters" right now... It's kind of an interesting concept where someone writes a letter to someone but shares it with the whole world. It's so like our culture to not be able to write a letter to just one person; we want the whole world to know that we did and validate our points. Anyway, this isn't a rant about open letters... quite the contrary clearly since I'm writing one!

I'm so sorry that I tend to ignore you except when you are making me feel uncomfortable. Even though that attention is becoming more frequent as you grow and explore, I still feel like this is a bad precedent for once you are out of the womb. Believe me when I say that one of the things I least want to do is only give you attention when you are misbehaving!

Your dad does such a great job talking to you and saying sweet things in a sweet voice while I just moan and complain when you're in a weird position or you're moving a ton when I want to sleep. Before you were moving this much, I was trying to learn some lullabies and sing them for you so you'd recognize them after birth. Now it's an accomplishment if I say anything nice to you or sing for you at all.

Please forgive me and know that this is not what I want for our relationship! Please understand that your mom is new to this. I've never had a child before; I've never been pregnant and had all these changes; I've never feared a relationship with someone more than I do with you. I don't want to mess this up. I want to do this job perfectly. BUT I know that I will mess and I will have to apologize often.

I fear taking care of an infant: you are so fragile and new... and impressionable. I recognize the great responsibility and fear it! I fear hurting you or giving you something before you're ready. I fear that I might unknowingly or accidentally encourage you in ways I do not intend: slurred speak, bad grammar, awkward walking, etc. I want you to grow up healthy, strong, brave, cautious, aware, curious, confident, eager, excitable, thoughtful, sensitive, respectful, creative, and God-fearing... but I don't know how to help you.

((GOD, please help me! ...and help my husband and all those around us who will guide and advise us! ...and help my baby!))

I love you already. Try to remember that, as I try to show it.

Love,
Your adoring mom

Idiot!

Do you ever have trouble making a decision . . .
and then once you've finally decided and taken action . . .
realized it was the WRONG choice . . .
and in that moment it's *crystal* clear????????

 

This seems to be the most sure-fire way for me to determine the right decision!

Whether you have experienced this or not, we're gonna talk about it.

 

 

 

For those of you who do not have to endure this suffering, let me explain:

Something happens that really bothers me. For the sake of explanation, let's say someone said that they actually hated my spinach puffs which I take such pride in.

 

The rest of the day I debate how to respond to this person. Do I lash out and say "How dare you pretend all this time"? Do I ignore them and never speak to them again? Do I ask if they have any suggestions for my recipe? I think back to all the times they said they loved my spinach puffs, and try to understand what this person was trying to do to me, all the possible interpretations of their actions... Anyway, this takes up all my thoughts because it bothered me so deeply.

 

Finally, I decide to place a huge pile of spinach puffs before them just to spite them and irritate them the way they irritated me, BUT once I pass the point of no return, I realize that this person is allergic to spinach. That's why they were being so polite in pretending. When they did lash out at me, they had finally become fed up with the fact that I kept trying to make them eat it!

 

Unfortunately, I already put the allergic trigger before the person and made them start swelling up, coughing, and breaking out.